Merriam-Webster defines a label as a descriptive or identifying word or phrase. The labels given to children are typically used to describe a particular behavior issue the child has. Usually these labels are negative. Children can be described as being difficult, loud, mischievous or any other number of things.
Negative Labels
The problem with labeling a child’s behavior is that a child can often live up to the label given to him. If a child is labeled difficult often enough, he may tend to act more difficult than he otherwise would in order to live up to the label. This is called a self-fulfilling prophecy.
According to Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of Raising Your Spirited Child [Harper Collins, 1992], negative labels can be devastating for kids. Building a healthy self-esteem is an impossible task when a child has to overcome a negative label. Unfortunately, labeling children often brings their negative characteristics to the forefront and makes it easy to over look the positive characteristics.
Strategies to Overcome Labeling
Many parenting books address labels and how to avoid using them on children. If they are already an established pattern of behavior, there are many strategies that parents can use to stop labeling.
The book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk [Rawson, Wade Publishers, Inc., 1980] by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, recommends that parents put children in situations where they can see themselves as different from their label. For instance, a child who has been labeled as irresponsible can be given a household job that would show that he is responsible.
In Raising Your Spirited Child, Kurcinka recommends parents redesign the labels. In other words, they need to look for alternative ways to state negative labels. A child who has been labeled as hyper or loud can be called enthusiastic instead.
Kurcinka makes the case that when parents start using a more positive word instead of the negative label, they will start reacting to their child in a more positive manner. The child and his parents will view his personality trait as a strength instead of a burden.
Overcoming a tendency to give children negative labels takes practice and thought. It may help to post a list of positive descriptors of your child on the refrigerator for quick reference. When the urge is there to describe him as his old label, look for the new vocabulary word and use that instead.
Faber and Mazlish also recommend that parents let their child hear them say something positive about them. This is a good reminder to not talk negatively about your child to others, especially when your child is potentially listening. Instead of complaining about your child, use one of the new words to describe something your child has done. For example, if he’s being loud when you are on the phone, simply comment that he is being enthusiastic today.
Negative labels can be difficult for children to overcome. Put children in situations where they can prove to themselves they are different than the negative label. Look for new ways to describe negative or difficult characteristics and remind yourself to use these new words by posting them in your house.
Sources:
Merriam-Webster on-line dictionary
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. Rawson, Wade Publishers, Inc., 1980.
Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Raising Your Spirited Child. Harper Collins, 1992.
Barb Hacker - Barb is a busy mom of three boys and a freelance writer. She is an avid reader who enjoys reading about history, parenting and gardening. ...
